 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Laugh People Laugh
Little girl- Why does your Grandmother read the bible so much
Playmate- I think she's cramming for her finales.
Playmate- I think she's cramming for her finales.
Sign in the window of furniture store- Use our easy payment
plan - 100% down and nothing more to pay.
plan - 100% down and nothing more to pay.
Psychiatrist - I wouldn't worry about your son making mud pies.
Mother- Well I do worry - and so does his wife
Mother- Well I do worry - and so does his wife
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful,
blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed
back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the
mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps telling me I've got mail!"
blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed
back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the
mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps telling me I've got mail!"
Amish Humor
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley
rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day
outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley
at St. Ann's Catholic church. There's a jackass lying dead in
me front lawn."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my
impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we
are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day
outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley
at St. Ann's Catholic church. There's a jackass lying dead in
me front lawn."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my
impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we
are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.
The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane.
The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general
drops a bomb.
They land the airplane and see what happened...
First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.
Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.
Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.
They asked him what happened and he said, "My
grandfather farted and blew up his house."
The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane.
The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general
drops a bomb.
They land the airplane and see what happened...
First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.
Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.
Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.
They asked him what happened and he said, "My
grandfather farted and blew up his house."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though a whale is a very large
mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that
a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The
little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though a whale is a very large
mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that
a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The
little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”
Hmm.....
A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of
dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly
opened the ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to
his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"
The mom asked, "What is it"?
"I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy.
dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly
opened the ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to
his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"
The mom asked, "What is it"?
"I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please
knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything -
bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain?
bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain?
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
A cloud.
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan Cow?
A: Ice Cream!
A: Ice Cream!
The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the
head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the
head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
They take the psycho path.
Ever wonder how blondes remember their
Passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that
a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said,
"It had to be at least 8 characters long.
Passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that
a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said,
"It had to be at least 8 characters long.
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were
on their way to their Church to get married. On the
way there, their car lost control and slammed into a
telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming
them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if
they could get married in Heaven, since their time
on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get
back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces
that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven. To
his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if
things don't work out will we be able to get a
divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look
lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up
here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
on their way to their Church to get married. On the
way there, their car lost control and slammed into a
telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming
them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if
they could get married in Heaven, since their time
on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get
back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces
that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven. To
his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if
things don't work out will we be able to get a
divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look
lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up
here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
FRUIT CAKE RECIPE - Guaranteed to put you in the holiday
spirit.
You'll need the following: four large eggs, two cups of dried
fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle or two of rum.
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. If it's
good, let's get started.
Take a large bowl, and a measuring cup. Check the rum
again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level
cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. Turn on the
electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one seapoon of thugar, and beat again. Meanwhile,
make sure the rum has retained it's fine quality. Cry another
tup. Open a second quart if necessary.
Turn off the mixer. Break two arge leggs, and add to the
bowl, and chuck in the cup of fried druit. Mix on the turner,
and beat till high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of pepper or salt. Or something. Who
cares? Check the rum. Now sift the lemon juice, and strain
the nuts. Fold in some chopped butter. Add one table.
Spoon. Of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 gredees. Don't
for get to beat off the turner. Now pour the whole mess into
the coven and ake. Feed to your goat. Check the rum
again, and bo to ged.
The meaning of dreams
On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just
dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace.
What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening just before opening presents, the husband
came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The
Meaning of Dreams.”
On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just
dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace.
What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening just before opening presents, the husband
came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The
Meaning of Dreams.”
Why Pumpkins are Better than Men
Why Pumpkins are Better than Men
1. Pumpkins don’t accuse you of loosing the TV remote!
2. Pumpkins respond quite well to negative re-enforcement!
3. Pumpkins make better pie!
4. Every year you get new Pumpkins to choose from!
5. Pumpkins always greet you with a smile!
6. If you don't like the way a Pumpkin looks, just make up
another face!
7. If a Pumpkin starts smelling up your place, just throw him
out!
8. Pumpkins don’t expect you to cook and still grow 24
hours a day!
9. You can clean up Pumpkins in just minutes!
10. Pumpkins don’t hide their feelings!
11. Pumpkins don’t stare at other pumpkins!
Why Pumpkins are Better than Men
1. Pumpkins don’t accuse you of loosing the TV remote!
2. Pumpkins respond quite well to negative re-enforcement!
3. Pumpkins make better pie!
4. Every year you get new Pumpkins to choose from!
5. Pumpkins always greet you with a smile!
6. If you don't like the way a Pumpkin looks, just make up
another face!
7. If a Pumpkin starts smelling up your place, just throw him
out!
8. Pumpkins don’t expect you to cook and still grow 24
hours a day!
9. You can clean up Pumpkins in just minutes!
10. Pumpkins don’t hide their feelings!
11. Pumpkins don’t stare at other pumpkins!
Lions Eating Clown
Two Lions are eating a clown..
and then one lion says to the other..
.."This tastes funny"..
Two Lions are eating a clown..
and then one lion says to the other..
.."This tastes funny"..
Christian Bulletin Bloopers
Ushers will eat latecomers. (seat)
She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much
pleasure to the congregation.
Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon
tonight: Searching for Jesus.
A letter to the men’s fellowship reads: "All members are
requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to
the annual banquet."
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in Church Services..........
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the
way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8
PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ
the King!
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.....It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell"
to someone who doesn't care much about you.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be,
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
Ushers will eat latecomers. (seat)
She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much
pleasure to the congregation.
Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon
tonight: Searching for Jesus.
A letter to the men’s fellowship reads: "All members are
requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to
the annual banquet."
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in Church Services..........
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the
way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8
PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ
the King!
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.....It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell"
to someone who doesn't care much about you.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for
more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be,
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
| Thankyou for stopping bye. Have a great day, and smile! |